


Selfyeast of spirit a dull dough sours.

by AwkwardPotatoChild



Category: Leverage
Genre: Angst, Breakfast, Character Study, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Morning Cuddles, Multi, Relationship Study, Self-Acceptance, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27183904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardPotatoChild/pseuds/AwkwardPotatoChild
Summary: In the early hours of the morning, Eliot takes a moment to reflect upon where he's been and where he is now.
Relationships: Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer
Comments: 12
Kudos: 75





	Selfyeast of spirit a dull dough sours.

**Author's Note:**

> A while back, I went on [an emotional rant](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/627391580687499264/listen-im-sure-someone-has-talked-about-this) about Eliot, so I decided to turn it into a fic.
> 
> The title comes from Gerard Manley Hopkin's ['I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day'](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44396/i-wake-and-feel-the-fell-of-dark-not-day).  
> For those that don't know, Hopkin's was a Victorian poet and Jesuit priest. His work wasn't recognized until after his death, but he is likely best known for his "Terrible Sonnets," which are called so, not because they were bad, but because they were written during a terrible period in his life where he battled with depression. Though he was a priest, in his private writings, it was revealed that he was gay and went to great lengths to suppress this, and even though it is not confirmed, I have always believed that many of his Terrible Sonnets were also a reflection of his internalized homophobia.
> 
> This is probably a very depressing way to start out a story, but I promise it has a happy ending. So keep your head up, if you're going through rough times. You will find your peace.

Eliot made a face as he carefully closed the oven, doing his best to make sure he didn’t make too much noise. A glance at the clock told him it was only five, which gave him plenty of time to prepare the rest of breakfast as his bread baked. As he gathered his ingredients and set a timer, in the silence of the early morning, Eliot’s thoughts began to drift as he thought about the domesticity of the situation he was now in and how he ended up here, with Hardison and Parker still sleeping in a bed they all shared and he smiled to himself. With all he had done, he never thought he’d end up with a bit of peace like this, and yet, somehow, he had and he was more than thankful for it.

Growing up in a small town in the South, the concept of what an ideal happy family was was ingrained into him from the day he was born. He grew up dreaming about how, one day, he’d be married to a girl he went to high school with. She’d be the head cheerleader and was as soft and sweet as honey, while he was the star quarterback of the football team. Eventually, if he got lucky, he’d get himself a sports scholarship before coming back home to run his father’s shop. He’d get married to his girl and they’d have two kids, a boy and girl, before growing old together.

But then, Eliot got to high school and something just didn’t sit right within him. It wouldn’t be until much later that he realized what was happening, realized this was where he started to hate himself, but in the moment, all he did was ignore it. Sure, he was the star quarterback like he wanted and yeah, he was dating the head cheerleader too, but something in him felt wrong, something in him didn’t feel right. He couldn’t say anything, though, couldn’t talk about his emotions.

This was the South, after all, the conservative South, and here, boys like him were supposed to be manly and tough. There was no talking about your emotions because that was weak and you were supposed to just suck it up and deal with it, and being one of the popular kids meant you couldn’t show any weakness or else you’d be ostracized by everyone in town too.

So Eliot kept everything locked up tight inside of him, pushed it all down as far as he could, because he knew it wasn’t natural for him to realize that he was staring at his friend on defense a little more than his own girlfriend in her cute cheerleading outfit, knew it wasn’t natural for him to admit that he liked home ec for the class and not just the teacher’s tits, and admitting all of that meant a potential one-way ticket to getting beaten and bullied, so Eliot kept quiet and the hatred inside of him grew and grew.

Which is why he ended up joining the military instead, turning down multiple football scholarships in the process. If anyone asked, he’d say it was because he wanted to serve his country and protect everyone in it, maybe even wanted to get out of his little town in the middle of nowhere, but now, looking back, Eliot knew his decision to join the military came from his own self-doubt.

Being a soldier was a tough job, it was a manly career, and he was a manly man, after all. Not someone who happened to eye his buddy’s arms in the locker room. No, sir, he was a man through and through, is what he told himself.

But the military was notoriously homophobic. Everyone knew that. And even though Eliot hadn’t fully figured out himself yet, he was aware of the situation he had put himself in, so when he happened to think one of his COs is cuter than the current hot actress everyone was talking about in the mess hall earlier, he pushed those feelings down, down again. This time, though, he justified it by saying that his feelings didn’t matter because he’s there to do a job, he’s there’s to serve and fight and protect, and all these feelings won’t do him any good. He focused on the job, telling himself he’s doing good, but then, suddenly, his whole life is just the job, it’s just about keeping himself distracted, and before he knew it, Eliot had said ‘yes’ one too many times, and he’s somehow working for Moreau, in too deep once again.

By then, he had done so many bad things that he couldn’t remember a time when his hands weren’t stained red, when he didn’t constantly smell like iron and death, when he didn’t feel complete without a gun in his hands. And that hatred inside of him grew even more because he had now found an entirely new reason to hate himself because while he never realized that him not being straight wasn’t a choice, but who he was, he knew that all of the horrible things he did, all of the horrible things he’d have to live with forever, were all choices that he made on his own and that’s even worse.

Eliot remembered that that was when he decided to quit. He needed something less damaging to do, both to others and to himself. He had done enough bad things and he had stayed up too late hating himself, and yeah, stealing things ain’t exactly good, but at least he wasn’t killing innocent people anymore.

He supposed it was a positive that he now got to work alone now too because although he had been a part of teams up until then, there was always a part of him that never really felt like he fit in, a part of him that was aware that he was different, a part of him that was worried that everyone else knew or would find out and it would be the end for him.

Yeah, working alone wasn’t a bad thing, he thought. It was his chance to just be for a bit. That’s not to say that he never found a family or friends among the people from his past, but he was never able to fully be himself either since he never fully accepted himself and really, he didn’t fully figure it out during that time alone either.

But then Nate and Sophie and Parker and Hardison come along, and before he knew it, Eliot had found himself a little family of thieves and they’re unlike any of the people he had ever met before. Parker was just an odd duck, in his eyes, while Sophie was emotional and caring. Nate shared the same cunning and brains as some of the bad guys he worked with, but he was still an honest man, trying to do good, and Hardison was proud to be a geek, like the ones he probably bullied back in high school.

They shouldn’t have worked, he thought. Professionally? Yes. But as a family? Maybe not, but for some reason they did, even with how different all of them were. For a while, Eliot questioned why he still stuck around, why he couldn’t move on, but it didn’t take long for him to realize that these people don’t know him for his past, not the really bad parts, at least. They only knew him as a retrieval specialist and a hitter, and that’s the end of the conversation when they first meet, and since all of them are in the same line of business in some way, Eliot realized that no one is judging him because they see each other as the same. It was only then that he was able to allow himself to feel comfortable and begin caring about them.

The problem now, though, was that after years of pushing his emotions aside, Eliot was very emotionally stunted. Parker was probably the one that understood him the most in that regard, with them simply bumping shoulders being more than enough, but the others were more open with their emotions and physical affections. A few pats on the arm from Sophie left him confused the first time it happened, wondering if she meant anything by it. Nate would pat him on the back or the shoulder, which was the most affection he’d been used to before, but after years of working alone, it felt foreign. Hardison was the most affectionate, though, often wanting hugs, while the most Eliot could accept was the little high five that they shared together.

He tried to reciprocate. Of course, he tried. He tried returning the affections they all shared, but for Eliot, talking about his emotions and being physically affectionate were all out because he had never shown his affection in that manner before, let alone received it. There was a part of him that realized that maybe he did want it, that he did want to be loved and accepted, but since he never did before, he didn’t even know where to begin when it came to asking for it. So instead, Eliot let himself get angry and reject their advances, their closeness, their touches, because it was easier that way. It was the default. It was what he had always done and maybe they didn’t see it at first, but Eliot does eventually find a way to return their love, but in a way that’s his own.

He found it in a combination of cooking and fighting. Food is meant to nourish the body and the soul. It was what Eliot used to learn that he was capable of other things besides fighting and killing, what he used to find some other purpose in his life. So he cooks for the team, no matter how much he may complain and grumble, because it’s one of the few things he knows how to do to show them that he cared and it was a way for him to keep them alive.

The other way was to fight. For years, Eliot fought for himself or for whoever paid the highest price, but with this new family of his, he found a different reason. He had something to protect now, and yeah, it sucked getting hit and hurt all day, and he still didn’t understand how people found goons so easily, and yeah, he’ll complain sometimes too. But at the end of the day, Eliot would take a beating a thousand times over if it meant someone in his family not getting looked at the wrong way once. All of them had other skills that were far more important than his, so he offered up the only other thing he had to offer and that was his body.

But as they got closer and closer, Eliot felt himself falling farther and farther, felt himself thinking that the cooking and fighting weren’t enough. Everyone knew from day 1 how Hardison felt about Parker. He never pushed, though, never prodded. He always allowed Parker to move at her own pace and Eliot firmly believed that if she never wanted to reciprocate, Hardison was a good enough man to be more than content with simply being in her life. But then Eliot sees Parker trying her hardest to figure out this whole emotions thing and he wonders what more he can do.

Eliot watched as Hardison tried to help Parker, holding his arms out for her to decide if she wanted to accept his hug or not before they headed up the mountain. He goes and accepted that hug, though, and he tells himself it’s to make Hardison feel better and because they can just laugh it off as a bro thing, but then he and Parker get stuck up on that mountain, and he sees just how hard she’s trying to figure out all these new emotions and feelings, and Eliot wonders if maybe he should try harder too.

Next thing he knew, Nate and Sophie are together, but at the same time, they’re also not, but either way, that leaves him alone again, different from everyone else. He still hasn’t quite figured it out, but when they meet Molly and her dad, and she gets kidnapped, Eliot is reminded of the fact that he cares far more than he should, which is why he built up all these walls in the first place. He recognized a part of him in Molly, with how snappy and pessimistic she is, because he knew it was much easier to be angry and numb than to actually feel.

But then, he remembered Hardison getting buried alive and he remembered all the fear and worry and anxiety he felt in that moment, and how he finally said ‘Fuck it!’ and gave in to what he’s wanted this entire time. He figured the others, with how in tune with emotions that they were, knew what he was feeling because when they pulled Hardison out of that grave, no one stopped him when he hugged Hardison first, burying his face into his neck and refusing to let go.

Because it was then that Eliot also realized that no matter how often he puts his life on the line, no matter how much he tries to protect them, things can still happen to the people he cares about and he can still be left without the chance to ever really show them and tell them how much he cares, so that’s why it’s the first thing he does when he sees Hardison emerge from the grave. It wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t some movie sob story moment filled with heartfelt words, but it was more than Eliot had ever shown in years, perhaps his whole life, and the others all knew that, so they didn't stop him. They let him have his moment first because it was as much for Eliot as it is for Hardison to know that they were there.

Eliot thought that after that, it’d be easier to work through his emotions, but it ended up feeling like even more of a struggle since he always felt like he was intruding on something between Hardison and Parker. When Sterling asked them to help him, he remembered pulling Hardison into a hug, only to push him away because looking back now, he needed a hug in that moment, after being drugged and feeling powerless, but he also still didn’t know how to process his need for reassurance along with what Parker may feel or how Hardison may feel either. He tried to go back to just fighting and using his body when they investigated that whole torture experiment thing, but then Hardison gets taken again and images of that grave flashed through Eliot’s mind, and he wasn’t going to let it happen again.

Eventually, Hardison and Parker got together and Eliot was happy for them. He really was. He had watched the two of them figure themselves out since forever, but there was still something nagging at him that he couldn’t explain until he joined that hockey team and was playing in that first game.

It was a brief moment and it was only two words, but it was more than enough to trigger something in him and bring back a wave of bad memories and feelings he thought he pushed deep deep down. Someone on the other team called him “pretty boy” and he suddenly remembered how the other guys on his high school football team would bully the only guy at school who was gay (or was, at least, the only guy that everyone knew was gay). So before he could stop himself, Eliot started punching and fighting because what does this guy know about him, anyways? What does he know about Eliot? He was just a stranger, and yet, Eliot still felt oddly exposed and he remembered all those feelings and glances that he shoved into the back corners of his heart, hoping that they would go away, but didn’t.

They never really went away and he went home that day wondering about, not just himself, but his feelings towards Hardison and Parker. He wondered if maybe why he felt like such an intruder in their space and was so cautious around them was because what he felt for them was more than just friendship or familial. It was stronger than romance, even, and was a combination of the three. He was scared and terrified because all of this was so new. So instead, once again, he got angry and he put up his walls because it was easier. It was always easier.

But one day, Hardison sits them all down and he has them talk about it and Eliot should’ve realized sooner that Hardison was more perceptive of these things than he and Parker were. They don’t have it fully figured out when they suddenly have to save everyone from the Spanish Flu, but by then, they at least realize that what they have might not be normal, but it was certainly something special, something their own, and that’s what mattered most.

Eliot still has trouble sorting it out, but ultimately, he knew that what he shared with Hardison and Parker would never change and how he felt about them is true. He knew that when he looked Hardison in the eyes and told him he was the smartest man he knew and that he knew he could trust him that it was the truth and he believed it. When he looked at Parker and they silently knew that he was going to charge in and take a bullet, while she took care of the virus, he knew that a connection like that was forged over years of knowing and understanding each other perfectly. They weren’t perfect, not just yet, but by the time they stole the Black Book and Nate and Sophie left, not just the team, but also Eliot knew that when he said he'd protect Hardison and Parker until his dying day, he meant it with all of his heart. Because finally, after all these years, Eliot had found his home and himself, and he could just be.

Relaxed and lost in thought, Eliot actually jumped when he heard shuffling approaching him, heart pounding worry, but relaxed when he saw Hardison emerge from the darkness, sleepily rubbing at his eyes. He held his arms out for him and Hardison slid into him easily, arm wrapped around his waist as he burrowed his face into Eliot’s neck.

“Mmm...something smells good, something sweet,” came his mumbled words. Eliot felt Hardison smiling. “Must be you.”

Eliot rolled his eyes.

“What are you doing up so early?”

“Making breakfast,” Eliot answered, trying to keep his voice down. “Go back to sleep. I’ll wake you two up when it’s done.”

Hardison shook his head. “Can’t. Not the same without you. And actually, Parker woke me up to find you, so she’ll probably be here in-”

“Where’d you guys go? I missed you.”

Right on cue, Parker came shuffling out, yawning along the way. She came around to Eliot’s other side to lean on him, head rested on his shoulder, effectively sandwiching him between his two sleeping lovers. A glance at the clock told him he still had time before he had to take the bread out, so with warmth filling him and the room, Eliot let himself be with them, sun rising outside, reminding him that another day had come and that this was all still real, that he was still loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> [Reblog this story.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/632905895841513472/selfyeast-of-spirit-a-dull-dough-sours)  
> [Retweet this story.](https://twitter.com/AwkPoooooooot/status/1320162325157056515?s=20)
> 
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